Monday, December 15, 2014

504

It's been a while.  

Nothing much has really changed at home.  

My trip was lovely.   Derick lost  Jacob at a Halloween festival and that was a bit stressful.   I mean, thanks for letting me know, but what is it you want me to do for you four hours away?  He found his very favorite teacher and she kept him for a while, listened to his unmedicated rants, and then brought him home.    She was happy to do it because she is THAT awesome of a teacher but, wow, I am pretty embarrassed.   Still.

I FINALLY got the 504 coordinator to get back to me.   I was passed around like a hot potato for weeks and, what do you know?, as soon as I let them know I had a degree in special education they were very accommodating.

We had our meeting Friday.

Because he has a disability he is entitled to the 504.

They are making no accommodations at this time.

O……K……

Some of his teachers were there.   They were shocked when I told them what goes on at home.  One of them said, "Well, I guess you can be happy he doesn't act like that here."  Um.   No.   Not so much.   If he can be pleasant and hard-working and helpful at school, I want that here at home.   None of those women birthed him.   Why all the disrespect for the people who have made his life possible.

We are still on the contract and now all kids are required to choose from a list of chores to earn minutes for Wii/Kindle/DS play.   That went very well the first week and a half.   Elizabeth has stockpiled six hours and twenty minutes of time.   Adam worked like a dog for a while and then he decided playing outside was a better option (I agree).   Jacob complains and complains and complains.  Anyway, Derick let him take the Kindle to Boy Scouts (that's new, will explain later) because all the boys take their
games!   And then the next day I asked for it back (because NO ONE is allowed to have electronics before school) and he said he'd lost it.   I immediately figured this was a ruse because he obsesses, part of his issue.   If he had lost that thing, he'd have been pacing the floor all night long but Derick was like, oh, okay.   And I was like, please go up and check, which he did and didn't see it.   Of course.   And then Derick is making plans later that evening to go back to the Boy Scout church and look for it and he just shrugged and could care less and I told Derick, um, he is playing you.  

The next morning I got up pretty early and noticed his light was on.   Hmmmm……I mean, it was really early, you know, that damn elf.    I am a 4 am riser during the month of December.   Anyway, I walk so very quietly up the stairs and push the door open and, sure enough, there he was spread out on the floor playing that Kindle.   I just walked right over, unplugged it, and took it off the floor where he'd dropped it and ran saying, "I just found it right here, Dad must have put it there"   Yeah.  

Well, Dr. Amen talks about how much ADHD kids desire the argument.   It actually calms that part of the brain affected by the lack of whatever chemical that is he lacks.  I did not say another word to him until ten minutes later I explained he had three minutes to get dressed, find shoes, and walk his ass to school or I was calling the police.  

And I meant it.  

My goodness what he destroyed and the names he called me and his siblings in ten minutes.

This was the worst fit yet.  

Not as long lasting as others, but he was crazed.

As he was leaving I told him he was not to come back to my house that I was not taking abuse from a thirteen year old child.  

When we got home around 5 he was at the park across the street.

I did not let him in.

It got dark.

My friend Rosemary called me said he was at her house.   I explained how we got there and she insisted on keeping him for the night.  

She kept him for two.

Of course, she said he was wonderful and well-behaved for her.

He was okay the rest of the weekend.    He is still mad that the Kindle has been indefinitely removed from his possession because of his lying.    He lets us know pretty often how unfair we are.   We tune him out much of the time.

A week more of school and then he is home for two weeks.  

I really don't want him here.   That is awful, but I don't.  

I don't want the police here either, but anything is possible.   It's just a matter of time before we get to that point.  

I hate ADHD.   Wish it would go away.   It's not welcome here anymore.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Not

Well, she refused to add any more medications.   In fact, she took away the Methylphenidate we use as an override as the Daytrana is kicking in.  I guess that is my punishment for asking about it again.

She showed me all the symptoms of depression and bipolarism and I have to agree that, no, he probably doesn't have those.  BUT, BUT, he has something.   Surely all this angst is more than ADHD.

No.  He just has ADHD.  SEVERE ADHD.  Oh, and he's pretty angry.

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

We can do the clonidine for anger management again, but he had many choice words about that so I just let it go.

*Let it go, let it go, can't hold it back anymore…..*

He pitched a huge fit in her office about how he is 13, almost an adult, shouldn't have a contract to get his way, should be able to do whatever he wants, eat whatever he wants, not go back to anymore doctors, and I had to just laugh inside because all that bitching about what a big adult he was and all he looked like sitting there was tantrum-throwing two year old.

As we were leaving her office he turned around to her and said to her face:  "F#$% You" and then we got to the car and he was all like,  "Can I have my games when we get home?"   Seriously.   He thought he was getting his stuff for "behaving".  It'd be freaking funny if it weren't so sad.

The husband is out of town on business and since he knew there would be no chance he would be subdued or whipped or kicked out of the house, he really let me have it last night.   I finally took the little kids into the bedroom with me, took a triple dose of nyquil and passed out.   Thank you Man-Who-Invented-Nyquil.   Because of you I sleep.

While in my stupor slumber, he took all of his games out of his dad's study.  I thought they were in the safe but I was wrong.  I found him with one this morning and he lied right to my face about it.   When he wouldn't return it, I locked the tablet up.   He went apeshit, but still insisted he didn't have the game, OH, the humanity of being blamed for something he just DID. NOT. DO.  

I was finally able to get him out to the car and was only fifteen minutes late.   I dropped him on the highway halfway there because he just would not shut his mouth.  Don't call CPS on me.  We live 7/10 of  a mile from the school.   He and many others have walked to and from many times.

We go on to school and the kids start laughing.  I get there and lo and behold, there is that 3DS and three of it's games lying on the car seat.   I guess he missed those when he got there.    I am such a bad mother for never trusting him.

I shook until 9:30 this morning.   My heart pounded out of my chest until 9.   Adam's Mary Katherine Gallagher finger sniff tic was raging.   Elizabeth cried when I took her to her classroom.  Just another day in our lives.   Oh the joy.

I am going out of town with friends tomorrow.   I can't wait.   I can't wait to NOT see that child for three whole days.   The other kids, I am worried about.   I hate leaving them, but I have just got to get away.   I need my blood pressure to go down some.   I want to eat a full meal for once.   I want to sleep without Ny-quil.

ADHD.   It's a made up affliction.   If I were just a better parent it would all go away.

Not.

Monday, October 27, 2014

It's Been a While

Two months.

I'd love to say things have turned 180 and I have a respectful, kind teenager, but that would be a lie.

Some days are okay.   Just okay.   Some days are bad.  Pretty bad, but not quite as bad as it was this summer.   Although I do wait for it.   I feel like it's there, just waiting for the right time.

Starting school helped.   He has always been a child of habit and once he learned his schedule and routine he seemed to calm some.   Just some.

We did have a few mornings where he cussed me out and was rude to the other kids so I emailed his LDC captain who demoted him from the position he worked so hard for last year.  

That didn't help me much.    He still doesn't take responsibility for the behavior that led up to that, he's never wrong, you know?  But for four weeks all I had to do was remind him I had that email and he'd straighten up.   After he called me a few choice names and laid the blame for his LDC demise at my feet.   *sigh*

They issued tablets to the entire eighth grade at his school.   I know there are articles on the internet about ADHD kids and their addiction to video games.  If I were a crafty person I might find that for you, but well, if you want to know about it, google it.   You're smart.  Anyway, Jacob is very definitely addicted to video games, hence the contract and Jacob's grades were fantastic until that tablet came home.   I don't know whose great idea it was to load three games onto it, but yeah, there are three games on it.   I have contacted teachers, principals, and tech supervisors and no one can remove them for me.   I now have been corresponding with the 504 coordinator and hope to have a meeting with her soon.   I guess I'll have to get a 504 to either have the games removed or the tablet removed.   He finished the first quarter with an 80 average where he had a 100 average the day before T-Day (Tablet Day).

We went back to our regular therapist.   He had a lot to bitch talk about.

We go back to the psychiatrist tomorrow for a medication check.    Everyone still thinks he needs depression meds except her.   I hope to convince her.   At this point I will try anything and if nothing else, I do think his Daytrana needs to be upped.

The little kids had teacher conferences last week and both said they were doing very well.   For this I am relieved.   They are still exposed every day to so much they shouldn't, but at least they are thriving there.

Our ADHD is still here.   Like a bad houseguest, it has really stunk, but I continue to hope.




Thursday, August 14, 2014

The Fourth Day

I have nothing really new to report.

My husband and I came home with that admittance paper saying we'll-discuss-this and, well, we haven't discussed it.

I think we both buried our head in the sand with the thought that his "treatment" is over, he must be better,  I mean, that's what it's supposed to do right?

Jacob is doing better.   A little better.   Instead of melting down every third day, it's every fourth day.  Not ideal, but progress.    I like the extra good day.

He is still on the contract for his games.   He doesn't like it, but those first three days he complies.  The fourth day?  Forget about it.   He shouldn't have a contract, that is completely unfair, why is everyone so mean to him?  F*#k You, rot in hell.

I didn't realize we were in a four day cycle until this week.   After I had already volunteered to take Adam's best school friend for the day while his mom was at work.

Whooo, boy.   Did I mention that friend is an only child?

Thank goodness his mom is laid back and understanding and just happens to be a nurse with experience in mental health issues or otherwise Adam may have been looking for a new best school friend this fall.

Many times when Jacob gets in these moods,  I spend much of my time trying to diffuse them.  I get so wrapped up in stopping it, that I can't see what is actually happening, but this day I watched him and took notes(before we fled to a movie and lunch just to get poor friend out of there):

When Derick left around 5:30 that morning I woke suddenly remembering that he hadn't taken the games from him the night before so I had him go get them before he woke up.  He wasn't happy about having to walk a llllll the waaayyyy upstairs, but he did go get them.  Noted to self:  I will have to be the one to enforce that from now on.

When Jacob woke up an hour later he was livid.  He was sure the littles, who were still sleeping, had taken his things and he made sure they knew he thought so.  I rectified the situation but at that point he was so enraged and now he was mad at ME because hell no I can't take his things!  They are HIS.  Where do I get off?   I ignored him for the next two hours as did the others.  He cussed and griped that entire time, but we have learned to go about our business.    It does not escape me that we could likely have avoided the entire scene if my husband would have put down his phone and turned off the television and reminded him to bring that game down.  

Mood Killer Number 1:  No Sleep.   I am sure he was up until at least 4 playing those games hence the need to "turn it in".

So then the friend showed up and things amped up from there.  Did I mention friend's mom is the school nurse at the private school?  The private school that still causes him to freak out?  She is wonderful to him and was while he was there, but he had many choice words about that place in the three minutes she was in my home.   Like I said before, thank goodness she went to nursing school.

Mood Killer Number 2:  That school!  It still haunts him.  He has really got to learn to let it go.

*Let it go, let it go, can't hold me back anymoreeeerrree*  Embrace that please.

And then there was a friend.  And then Jacob was calling him names, telling him he was stupid, acting just like, no worse, than the three year olds I teach when they don't want to share.

Mood Killer Number 3:  Brother has a friend.  He has many friends.   Jacob is still struggling to make and keep friends.  Things have been better since switching schools, he actually went to a birthday party and when he does have his phone there are a few who text him, but no one ever comes over.  They never did.  Never has a school friend come over for him.  He is so immature he still asks for playdates with his 8th grade friends and I try to explain that it doesn't really work that way at his age, but he just thinks I am being mean to him yet again.

Sooooo…….how do I eliminate these triggers?  Can I ever really rid him of these demons?  And will they even be the same in two days when the fourth day comes again?

The therapy he received has helped.  Some.  When he begins to get upset on the first three days he will slap his ears (not part of the therapy I am sure especially since this is a tic he's had for years) and when I think he realizes that he then gets his shoes and goes for a walk.  He won't share what was discussed "in group" but I am guessing this is a new coping skill he has learned.   It worked out really well for our neighbor's dog we were keeping until yesterday, because while he was here he took him.


Very tired from so many walks….

The contract, when people actually follow it, has helped.   He wants his stuff.  He wants it so much he does bathe and brush his teeth and make his bed and not call us names and complain all morning to get it and keep it for the day.  Most days he is even okay giving it back although he does let me know how he really shouldn't have to do that.    If someone would just remember to take. it. back.

The little kids start school next Tuesday.   They feel like they missed out on a lot of their summer.  I do not blame them.  I want a do-over as well.  Jacob doesn't' go back until the next week.  I really, really do wish it were the other way around.    That is mean, I know, but he wants to go back to school too.   He likes this new school and he feels good there.  He doesn't have behavior issues at school.  I want him to go back because I want the peace, but also peace for him.  It's his happy place.

We still haven't fully discussed the residential treatment facility.   I think we are in a phase where by not mentioning it, we don't have to face it, but I think eventually we will.  Yes, things are a little better and I am hoping they get even better once school is in session, but that fourth day is still hell.  As long as the fourth day is still here, we will have to talk about it.

Eventually.


Monday, August 04, 2014

Progress

So the insurance quit paying for the outpatient program.   I am not surprised.  Oh my could I complain about how much we are paying for said insurance and how others I know get it completely for free while they don't work, but I digress.   How is that going to help things?

Not happy.  Enough said.

Anyway, Jacob was booted from the program last Monday.  We had to have a meeting where they recommended a residential treatment facility for him.  I was like, okay sure, and then they informed me that it would be a three to nine month program and our out of pocket would be about $20,000.  

Um, no thanks?

Again.  Not happy.  Enough said.

We saw his regular psychiatrist that same day and she disagreed that he was bipolar.   People who are bipolar cannot turn it on and off.   Jacob can.   We are still with the same meds, just increased by 5 mg. each.   They had to order them, so I don't know if this helps yet.

The said we shouldn't tell Jacob about her recommendations, if we decide to take him there, just to go there.   My husband agreed.

I did not so the next day when he started his craziness I showed him the admittance slip and calmly explained to him that this would be our next step.   His eyes were opened wide.  Literally.

Since then, things have gone pretty well.  Oh, we still have our issues, but they are closer to that of normal siblings/families so I can deal with this.  When he starts to get out of control, I just remind him of that paper and things calm right down.  He is following his contract for his game and, in fact, just came down to let me smell his hair.   He has been clean for a week now.  

Progress.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Business

I just have to wonder.   What the hell goes through Jacob's mind?

He knows how to behave.  He was "normal" last Thursday and Friday.   He kept his voice down, he got his chores done, he cleaned up after himself, and even initiated conversation with us a few times.

I don't even know what happened today.

I am telling you, it's fricking insane here.

I had to put him outside.  AGAIN.  I had to disable our garage doors.   And the doorbell.

My mother bought us a book, as if we don't have or haven't read enough of them.   He apparently dug through my husband's things at some point because this is how he found it yesterday:




Way to steal my post-its.

I guess I should feel glad he was curious enough to check it out.   The vandalism I could do away with.

This actually points more toward a bipolar diagnosis as bipolar patiens do not think they have anything wrong with them that others are making it all up just to piss them off.   At least this is my synopsis from the things I have read and the time I spent with my mother-in-law.    She would also stop taking her medications.   Jacob, as far as I can tell, didn't have any today.

We couldn't find Adam's game this morning.   I had locked it in the safe a few days ago at Adam's request because he was just so tired of Jacob stealing it.   When I opened it today, it wasn't there.   I wracked my brain to remember if I took it out, but I know I didn't.   Adam went upstairs and found it underneath a shelf in Jacob's room.   Of course.   No wonder he acted like an ass and got his game removed.    Why behave?   He had a back-up.   That pisses me off, for sure, but the real problem with this is apparently he knows our safe code.   The safe that has all of our important papers,  emergency money, and Derick's guns.  I don't know much about that safe, but I sure hope you can change the combination.   How in HELL did he do that?

Elizabeth (because I didn't know how) had to install the Wii downstairs because Jacob spent so much time changing everyone's names to dirty words and erasing all of their accomplishments.    And really, I just don't want them to have to go upstairs around him anymore.

Since the contract did not work (no surprise there), I told him my next step was going to the school and talking with his LDC (Leadership Development Corps) Commander.   They have a creed they are to follow at all times and, well, he obviously isn't.  He LOVES LDC and has the opportunity to be a group leader and hold office next school year.    If Captain finds out he is behaving this way, that won't be an option any longer.   In fact, he may even be kicked out.   I would hate to do that to him, but I will.  I thought by actually putting him in this program he might realize I am serious, but so far, he doesn't seem to get it.   He needs to know I mean business.  

I have a babysitter here tomorrow and the next day for ten hours while I relearn the same crap I learned when I got my degree, but hey, I have to do it, and, well, I won't be here.    If he pulls this crap while she's here, he's going to find out just how much business I mean.





Saturday, July 19, 2014

Cycling

So he did better on Thursday.   The cycle was starting again.   We wrote up a contract with conditions about how he would keep the game and why he would give it back.

He had to give it back today.  Well, we take it away at night, but he isn't able to get that privilege today.  Or probably tomorrow either.   Shoot, probably not all week.

It's so freaking predictable it's not even funny anymore.

Where he was quiet and followed all the rules on Thursday and even yesterday morning, today he came right down at 6 am, started poking Adam with a Wii remote, refused to take his medicine, made strange noises, ran up and down the stairs, threw things, smeared food all over the granite and floor, and turned the television up and laughed like a drowning hyena.    My husband locked himself in (and me out) of the bedroom and then just left the house completely.   "I am not putting up with this shit on my day off" and slammed the door.

Gee, I don't ever get a fucking day off.   Ever.   I deal with his morning tirades all through the school year.  I go to work a stressed out mess every single day.  I clean the messes that he makes before he gets home to see it, I calm the others so they don't lay their grievances at his feet when he returns home.  I drive him to every therapist, psychiatrist, outpatient crazy care while dragging two others with me.  I deal with the teachers, I throw his medicine down his throat.   What does HE do?  Complain about it and then find something fun for himself to do because, hell, he deserves it.

I have a mandatory preschool conference next week.  My mother is extremely ill and cannot come watch them like we had planned on.   My husband just CANNOT take any time off to help me with this.  I can hire a teenage babysitter, but I am not really comfortable with that.   We are forty plus year old adults and this is very hard.   I am just so afraid of what will happen if I go that route.   If I do not go to the conference, I cannot work at preschool next year.  

I will probably get fired.  

I really LOVED that job.   I mean, without that, I don't really have a happy place anymore.   God knows, here isn't it.

Five more years.

In five more years he'll be 18.   At that time, he is out of our home.   I know that is harsh and I hate even thinking it, but he'll be 18.  I'll teach him everything he'll accept until then, but if he refuses to take it, then so be it, but he isn't staying here.  I don't owe him anything after that.   I remember my tiny baby and try to go back and think of him like that, but it's hard.   All I see is this rude, nasty creature and I just want to be free of him.   I had a boyfriend who cussed me out once and then burned me with a cigarette.   I promptly broke up with him and then got a restraining order against him the minute he came around trying to suck up.   I wasn't going to put up with that shit, but man, I put up with it now.  Society really frowns on dumping your own kid.   No one cares how the other children are doing.   We will talk to him and then send him back home with you.  You gave birth to it, you are dealing with it.  Period.  

Only five more years.