Tuesday, March 17, 2015


It's Spring Break.  

Whew.   We've needed it.

We were supposed to be in Breckenridge learning to ski but my husband "forgot" to make the plans.

If I want something done, I have to do it myself.   This is why the little kids and I will be going to be beach by ourselves in June.    There.

So two days into spring break and we haven't really done anything.   We cleaned the house and then the kids messed it up with a big fort and then I climbed into bed to watch MeTv and that's about it.

Oh, and Jacob ran away.  

Well.   Three weeksish ago.

Oh yeah, we found him but not after getting the police involved and six hours of searching in the dark and after a Missing Persons file was created and logged and discussions of Amber Alerts being issued.

Fun times.

One morning he demanded asked for a new charger for that God-forsaken tablet the school issued and I told him I would give him half the $$$ and he could kick in the other half.   That did not go over well.   He then woke Adam and put him in a head lock, I guess in some kind of attempt to bribe me for it, so I gave him two minutes to get out of the house and walk to school (it was 6:45 am) before I called the police.  

Amazingly he left.  

When he didn't return home at 4:15 I checked his LDC (Leadership Development Corps…..oh, the irony) schedule and he might have should have been at practice that afternoon so I figured that was what he did.   I don't' know why I would think that since he's skipped every single practice of the year, but, eh, I was hopeful.

When he didn't return home by 6:30 I started to wonder.    My husband figured he'd turn up when he was ready, I figured I need to call the police because what if something happened to him?   He thought I was being irrational but told me to call them if it made me feel better.   So I called them and he was all like, "You called the police?  Why?"   Whole other post there.

Anyway,  the police come and kind of brush me off as a crazy person but they go out looking for him anyway.   Between the call and their presence (forty minutes) my neighbor saw him on the trail in our neighborhood (I called her first) and went after him and he promptly skittered like a scared cat toward the road.   She yelled for my husband and he chased after him and then he ran across a five lane highway without looking both ways.    GAH!   Why do we even teach them these things?????

After that we didn't see him again.

The police came back four more times and after about four hours looking all over town, going into restaurants and stores and still not finding him THEY started to get worried.

By this time Derick was on his bicycle and would call now and then to see if he showed home.   No.   We live in a pretty big town.   Yes, it's a suburb of Houston, but it's big.    We're not in West Virginia anymore.

Eventually Derick called to tell me he found him in the neighborhood and made him come home.   So what did he say after all of that?    "I'm hungry".    The cops were informed and they showed up three minutes later, sat his ass down and very nicely reamed his ass out.    Seriously.   The policemen were awesome even if they didn't show up until forty minutes after I called.  

This was a Wednesday.  

On Saturday I asked my mother to come get him and take him home with her.   By then I'd had four panic attacks, one so massive I thought for sure I was having a heart attack.   My left arm started shaking on Thursday to the point I couldn't hold anything with it and my preschool students thought I was playing a game and would copy me.   On Friday my husband informed me he had to fly on a private jet to all of the plants his new bought-his-plant-out company owned and wouldn't that be SO. MUCH. FUN?   Oh sure, leave me with a flight risk for seven days.   No big deal.

I thought my mother would be helpful but she was mad.    She did come and get him.   With my dad.    And they spent an hour in my face telling me they should have taken him years ago, I was a terrible parent, I needed parenting classes years ago,  if I didn't get professional help for my mental illness she would take them all from me.  

Um.   Thanks?

For the record I have been to four therapists/psychiatrists since Jacob's birth FOR MYSELF and all of them have asked my husband to come in and then they proceed to tell him that I am not depressed or anxious, that I need more help and support at home.     So there.

So off they went even though he had two more weeks of school.

Then she called me the next day asking if Jacob had exams and, by golly, he did so she came back and stayed in a Candlewood Suites until spring break started last Friday at noon.  

I love my mother with my whole heart but these last two weeks listening to her tell me how absolutely awesome Jacob was for her has made me not really want to speak to her for a while.  Of course he's good for her.   She admittedly gave him all of his electronics back and without any restrictions.    She didn't make him bathe or brush his teeth or take his medications because THAT would be stressful for her.  

Since the last time I posted we switched Jacob's medicine (again) to Strattera and some mood stabilizer of which I forget the name.   We went back for a two week check and she came with us.   She was MORTIFIED when he started yelling and kicking things and attempting to poke holes with pens in the furniture.   I almost had to leave the room when my mother told the doctor how he she'd never seen him behave that badly and the doctor says, "Oh really?   I was thinking he was actually behaving much better for me today"  Which he actually was.   This time he didn't greet her with his usual,  "Effing B*tch".  I guess he was trying to be good for his grandmother.    To her credit she would not let him have his games when we got to the car and she got another good show which prompted her to call me later to let me know how torturous this all was for an old woman like her.    Hmmmm.   Need some parenting classes?   Ah, but I digress.


He's at the lake with my parents for the rest of this week.   I told her to bring him home on Sunday and at first she was all like, oh no we'll go back to the hotel, but the last I talked to her it seemed she'd be bringing him home of Sunday.

I will not lie and say I have missed him.   I have not.   At all.    My kids got two weeks of waking up for school in silence.   We weren't late one time.   It was all very "normal" and we needed that.  

I hope this break has been helpful for Jacob.   I would love for him to come back with a new perspective and attitude towards his family and his school work.   I am not expecting it and I dread what will actually happen, but it would be a nice change.  

For now, we will enjoy the last of our spring "break".

Monday, January 05, 2015


Where's my hoverboard?

My flying car?

2015 looked so much better in 1985.


So did you have a good Christmas?   New Year?

My children got much less than usual and they were just as happy.    Good to know.

I was a huge meanie and got Jacob only four small gifts and a gift card.   

I was sure we would have complete chaos on Christmas morning hence the guilt gift card removed from another person's gift at the last minute, but he was fine with it.   He was, though, completely out of control since they all came barreling downstairs at 5:30 and that two hour wait for the meds to kick in was blazingly obvious crammed together into the living room under a plastic tree in the dark.

My favorite mall Santa retired and it made me very sad.  

Imagine twelve more of him around my mantle and hearth.    Awww.    I mean, I cried when I found out he wasn't in the mall.   At work.   In front of three year olds.  

But then I found him!   In a private studio.   I DID NOT HAVE TO GO TO THE MALL AT ALL DURING THE CHRISTMAS SEASON!   He is real!   And that was the best gift of all.   Oh my, I hate the mall on a slow day.   


This thirty minute session renewed my children's belief and I relished it knowing this is probably it for us.   Someone (the husband) needs to sit Jacob down and explain to him how this portion of Christmas works.   Part of his "disorder" is he can completely immerse himself in a fantasy world and this is just another one for him.    I know, I know, we (the husband) should've sat him down years ago but this is Jacob.  I knew the minute he knew the truth he'd use it against us with the other kids.   I just needed this one.  last.  year.   We enjoyed it.    It will be sad for me next year.   Moving on.  

My favorite gift was the splurge King Sleep Number bed.   Our old mattress was twenty years old.  It was time to go and we bought exactly what we wanted since we'd saved so much not buying one every eight years.   

It adjusts.   And it's big.   And my sleep number is 30 just in case you wanted to know that.   I am not ashamed to admit I spent an entire day in that bed.   

I thought about making New Year's Resolutions but, eh, I never keep up with those and I have 355ish more days to do any of the things I need to do like declutter the closets, organize the attic, blog more, eat better, yell less.  

I do want our mornings to get better.   I have no idea how to make that happen.  I am seriously considering just letting things go with Jacob.   I have tried and tried and tried and tried some more to do things the way a "good mom" would do.   I make him comb his hair, brush his teeth, match his clothes, do his homework, but I think I am going to attempt to let it go.  

Let it go, let it go, can't hold it back anymoreeeeee

Hoping the peer pressure and possible grade retention is enough to snap him into action.   I doubt it, but I am just so freaking sick of the morning fight.   I have two other children.   My energy, at least for now, is going into them in the morning.   

2015 seemed so far away as I sat in a theater watching Back to the Future 2.   Here it is.   If only my car could fly.

Monday, December 15, 2014


It's been a while.  

Nothing much has really changed at home.  

My trip was lovely.   Derick lost  Jacob at a Halloween festival and that was a bit stressful.   I mean, thanks for letting me know, but what is it you want me to do for you four hours away?  He found his very favorite teacher and she kept him for a while, listened to his unmedicated rants, and then brought him home.    She was happy to do it because she is THAT awesome of a teacher but, wow, I am pretty embarrassed.   Still.

I FINALLY got the 504 coordinator to get back to me.   I was passed around like a hot potato for weeks and, what do you know?, as soon as I let them know I had a degree in special education they were very accommodating.

We had our meeting Friday.

Because he has a disability he is entitled to the 504.

They are making no accommodations at this time.


Some of his teachers were there.   They were shocked when I told them what goes on at home.  One of them said, "Well, I guess you can be happy he doesn't act like that here."  Um.   No.   Not so much.   If he can be pleasant and hard-working and helpful at school, I want that here at home.   None of those women birthed him.   Why all the disrespect for the people who have made his life possible.

We are still on the contract and now all kids are required to choose from a list of chores to earn minutes for Wii/Kindle/DS play.   That went very well the first week and a half.   Elizabeth has stockpiled six hours and twenty minutes of time.   Adam worked like a dog for a while and then he decided playing outside was a better option (I agree).   Jacob complains and complains and complains.  Anyway, Derick let him take the Kindle to Boy Scouts (that's new, will explain later) because all the boys take their
games!   And then the next day I asked for it back (because NO ONE is allowed to have electronics before school) and he said he'd lost it.   I immediately figured this was a ruse because he obsesses, part of his issue.   If he had lost that thing, he'd have been pacing the floor all night long but Derick was like, oh, okay.   And I was like, please go up and check, which he did and didn't see it.   Of course.   And then Derick is making plans later that evening to go back to the Boy Scout church and look for it and he just shrugged and could care less and I told Derick, um, he is playing you.  

The next morning I got up pretty early and noticed his light was on.   Hmmmm……I mean, it was really early, you know, that damn elf.    I am a 4 am riser during the month of December.   Anyway, I walk so very quietly up the stairs and push the door open and, sure enough, there he was spread out on the floor playing that Kindle.   I just walked right over, unplugged it, and took it off the floor where he'd dropped it and ran saying, "I just found it right here, Dad must have put it there"   Yeah.  

Well, Dr. Amen talks about how much ADHD kids desire the argument.   It actually calms that part of the brain affected by the lack of whatever chemical that is he lacks.  I did not say another word to him until ten minutes later I explained he had three minutes to get dressed, find shoes, and walk his ass to school or I was calling the police.  

And I meant it.  

My goodness what he destroyed and the names he called me and his siblings in ten minutes.

This was the worst fit yet.  

Not as long lasting as others, but he was crazed.

As he was leaving I told him he was not to come back to my house that I was not taking abuse from a thirteen year old child.  

When we got home around 5 he was at the park across the street.

I did not let him in.

It got dark.

My friend Rosemary called me said he was at her house.   I explained how we got there and she insisted on keeping him for the night.  

She kept him for two.

Of course, she said he was wonderful and well-behaved for her.

He was okay the rest of the weekend.    He is still mad that the Kindle has been indefinitely removed from his possession because of his lying.    He lets us know pretty often how unfair we are.   We tune him out much of the time.

A week more of school and then he is home for two weeks.  

I really don't want him here.   That is awful, but I don't.  

I don't want the police here either, but anything is possible.   It's just a matter of time before we get to that point.  

I hate ADHD.   Wish it would go away.   It's not welcome here anymore.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014


Well, she refused to add any more medications.   In fact, she took away the Methylphenidate we use as an override as the Daytrana is kicking in.  I guess that is my punishment for asking about it again.

She showed me all the symptoms of depression and bipolarism and I have to agree that, no, he probably doesn't have those.  BUT, BUT, he has something.   Surely all this angst is more than ADHD.

No.  He just has ADHD.  SEVERE ADHD.  Oh, and he's pretty angry.

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

We can do the clonidine for anger management again, but he had many choice words about that so I just let it go.

*Let it go, let it go, can't hold it back anymore…..*

He pitched a huge fit in her office about how he is 13, almost an adult, shouldn't have a contract to get his way, should be able to do whatever he wants, eat whatever he wants, not go back to anymore doctors, and I had to just laugh inside because all that bitching about what a big adult he was and all he looked like sitting there was tantrum-throwing two year old.

As we were leaving her office he turned around to her and said to her face:  "F#$% You" and then we got to the car and he was all like,  "Can I have my games when we get home?"   Seriously.   He thought he was getting his stuff for "behaving".  It'd be freaking funny if it weren't so sad.

The husband is out of town on business and since he knew there would be no chance he would be subdued or whipped or kicked out of the house, he really let me have it last night.   I finally took the little kids into the bedroom with me, took a triple dose of nyquil and passed out.   Thank you Man-Who-Invented-Nyquil.   Because of you I sleep.

While in my stupor slumber, he took all of his games out of his dad's study.  I thought they were in the safe but I was wrong.  I found him with one this morning and he lied right to my face about it.   When he wouldn't return it, I locked the tablet up.   He went apeshit, but still insisted he didn't have the game, OH, the humanity of being blamed for something he just DID. NOT. DO.  

I was finally able to get him out to the car and was only fifteen minutes late.   I dropped him on the highway halfway there because he just would not shut his mouth.  Don't call CPS on me.  We live 7/10 of  a mile from the school.   He and many others have walked to and from many times.

We go on to school and the kids start laughing.  I get there and lo and behold, there is that 3DS and three of it's games lying on the car seat.   I guess he missed those when he got there.    I am such a bad mother for never trusting him.

I shook until 9:30 this morning.   My heart pounded out of my chest until 9.   Adam's Mary Katherine Gallagher finger sniff tic was raging.   Elizabeth cried when I took her to her classroom.  Just another day in our lives.   Oh the joy.

I am going out of town with friends tomorrow.   I can't wait.   I can't wait to NOT see that child for three whole days.   The other kids, I am worried about.   I hate leaving them, but I have just got to get away.   I need my blood pressure to go down some.   I want to eat a full meal for once.   I want to sleep without Ny-quil.

ADHD.   It's a made up affliction.   If I were just a better parent it would all go away.


Monday, October 27, 2014

It's Been a While

Two months.

I'd love to say things have turned 180 and I have a respectful, kind teenager, but that would be a lie.

Some days are okay.   Just okay.   Some days are bad.  Pretty bad, but not quite as bad as it was this summer.   Although I do wait for it.   I feel like it's there, just waiting for the right time.

Starting school helped.   He has always been a child of habit and once he learned his schedule and routine he seemed to calm some.   Just some.

We did have a few mornings where he cussed me out and was rude to the other kids so I emailed his LDC captain who demoted him from the position he worked so hard for last year.  

That didn't help me much.    He still doesn't take responsibility for the behavior that led up to that, he's never wrong, you know?  But for four weeks all I had to do was remind him I had that email and he'd straighten up.   After he called me a few choice names and laid the blame for his LDC demise at my feet.   *sigh*

They issued tablets to the entire eighth grade at his school.   I know there are articles on the internet about ADHD kids and their addiction to video games.  If I were a crafty person I might find that for you, but well, if you want to know about it, google it.   You're smart.  Anyway, Jacob is very definitely addicted to video games, hence the contract and Jacob's grades were fantastic until that tablet came home.   I don't know whose great idea it was to load three games onto it, but yeah, there are three games on it.   I have contacted teachers, principals, and tech supervisors and no one can remove them for me.   I now have been corresponding with the 504 coordinator and hope to have a meeting with her soon.   I guess I'll have to get a 504 to either have the games removed or the tablet removed.   He finished the first quarter with an 80 average where he had a 100 average the day before T-Day (Tablet Day).

We went back to our regular therapist.   He had a lot to bitch talk about.

We go back to the psychiatrist tomorrow for a medication check.    Everyone still thinks he needs depression meds except her.   I hope to convince her.   At this point I will try anything and if nothing else, I do think his Daytrana needs to be upped.

The little kids had teacher conferences last week and both said they were doing very well.   For this I am relieved.   They are still exposed every day to so much they shouldn't, but at least they are thriving there.

Our ADHD is still here.   Like a bad houseguest, it has really stunk, but I continue to hope.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The Fourth Day

I have nothing really new to report.

My husband and I came home with that admittance paper saying we'll-discuss-this and, well, we haven't discussed it.

I think we both buried our head in the sand with the thought that his "treatment" is over, he must be better,  I mean, that's what it's supposed to do right?

Jacob is doing better.   A little better.   Instead of melting down every third day, it's every fourth day.  Not ideal, but progress.    I like the extra good day.

He is still on the contract for his games.   He doesn't like it, but those first three days he complies.  The fourth day?  Forget about it.   He shouldn't have a contract, that is completely unfair, why is everyone so mean to him?  F*#k You, rot in hell.

I didn't realize we were in a four day cycle until this week.   After I had already volunteered to take Adam's best school friend for the day while his mom was at work.

Whooo, boy.   Did I mention that friend is an only child?

Thank goodness his mom is laid back and understanding and just happens to be a nurse with experience in mental health issues or otherwise Adam may have been looking for a new best school friend this fall.

Many times when Jacob gets in these moods,  I spend much of my time trying to diffuse them.  I get so wrapped up in stopping it, that I can't see what is actually happening, but this day I watched him and took notes(before we fled to a movie and lunch just to get poor friend out of there):

When Derick left around 5:30 that morning I woke suddenly remembering that he hadn't taken the games from him the night before so I had him go get them before he woke up.  He wasn't happy about having to walk a llllll the waaayyyy upstairs, but he did go get them.  Noted to self:  I will have to be the one to enforce that from now on.

When Jacob woke up an hour later he was livid.  He was sure the littles, who were still sleeping, had taken his things and he made sure they knew he thought so.  I rectified the situation but at that point he was so enraged and now he was mad at ME because hell no I can't take his things!  They are HIS.  Where do I get off?   I ignored him for the next two hours as did the others.  He cussed and griped that entire time, but we have learned to go about our business.    It does not escape me that we could likely have avoided the entire scene if my husband would have put down his phone and turned off the television and reminded him to bring that game down.  

Mood Killer Number 1:  No Sleep.   I am sure he was up until at least 4 playing those games hence the need to "turn it in".

So then the friend showed up and things amped up from there.  Did I mention friend's mom is the school nurse at the private school?  The private school that still causes him to freak out?  She is wonderful to him and was while he was there, but he had many choice words about that place in the three minutes she was in my home.   Like I said before, thank goodness she went to nursing school.

Mood Killer Number 2:  That school!  It still haunts him.  He has really got to learn to let it go.

*Let it go, let it go, can't hold me back anymoreeeerrree*  Embrace that please.

And then there was a friend.  And then Jacob was calling him names, telling him he was stupid, acting just like, no worse, than the three year olds I teach when they don't want to share.

Mood Killer Number 3:  Brother has a friend.  He has many friends.   Jacob is still struggling to make and keep friends.  Things have been better since switching schools, he actually went to a birthday party and when he does have his phone there are a few who text him, but no one ever comes over.  They never did.  Never has a school friend come over for him.  He is so immature he still asks for playdates with his 8th grade friends and I try to explain that it doesn't really work that way at his age, but he just thinks I am being mean to him yet again.

Sooooo…….how do I eliminate these triggers?  Can I ever really rid him of these demons?  And will they even be the same in two days when the fourth day comes again?

The therapy he received has helped.  Some.  When he begins to get upset on the first three days he will slap his ears (not part of the therapy I am sure especially since this is a tic he's had for years) and when I think he realizes that he then gets his shoes and goes for a walk.  He won't share what was discussed "in group" but I am guessing this is a new coping skill he has learned.   It worked out really well for our neighbor's dog we were keeping until yesterday, because while he was here he took him.

Very tired from so many walks….

The contract, when people actually follow it, has helped.   He wants his stuff.  He wants it so much he does bathe and brush his teeth and make his bed and not call us names and complain all morning to get it and keep it for the day.  Most days he is even okay giving it back although he does let me know how he really shouldn't have to do that.    If someone would just remember to take. it. back.

The little kids start school next Tuesday.   They feel like they missed out on a lot of their summer.  I do not blame them.  I want a do-over as well.  Jacob doesn't' go back until the next week.  I really, really do wish it were the other way around.    That is mean, I know, but he wants to go back to school too.   He likes this new school and he feels good there.  He doesn't have behavior issues at school.  I want him to go back because I want the peace, but also peace for him.  It's his happy place.

We still haven't fully discussed the residential treatment facility.   I think we are in a phase where by not mentioning it, we don't have to face it, but I think eventually we will.  Yes, things are a little better and I am hoping they get even better once school is in session, but that fourth day is still hell.  As long as the fourth day is still here, we will have to talk about it.


Monday, August 04, 2014


So the insurance quit paying for the outpatient program.   I am not surprised.  Oh my could I complain about how much we are paying for said insurance and how others I know get it completely for free while they don't work, but I digress.   How is that going to help things?

Not happy.  Enough said.

Anyway, Jacob was booted from the program last Monday.  We had to have a meeting where they recommended a residential treatment facility for him.  I was like, okay sure, and then they informed me that it would be a three to nine month program and our out of pocket would be about $20,000.  

Um, no thanks?

Again.  Not happy.  Enough said.

We saw his regular psychiatrist that same day and she disagreed that he was bipolar.   People who are bipolar cannot turn it on and off.   Jacob can.   We are still with the same meds, just increased by 5 mg. each.   They had to order them, so I don't know if this helps yet.

The said we shouldn't tell Jacob about her recommendations, if we decide to take him there, just to go there.   My husband agreed.

I did not so the next day when he started his craziness I showed him the admittance slip and calmly explained to him that this would be our next step.   His eyes were opened wide.  Literally.

Since then, things have gone pretty well.  Oh, we still have our issues, but they are closer to that of normal siblings/families so I can deal with this.  When he starts to get out of control, I just remind him of that paper and things calm right down.  He is following his contract for his game and, in fact, just came down to let me smell his hair.   He has been clean for a week now.